


Sorry I Could Be So Blind

by NightsLikeThis



Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Apocalypse, American Horror Story: Coven
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Idiots in Love, Post-Canon, Sad with a Happy Ending, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-08-29 17:25:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 15,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16748401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightsLikeThis/pseuds/NightsLikeThis
Summary: Post-canon: Madison's return from hell.sort of Madison character study, Zoe/Madison centered(no one remembers the apocalypse but Mallory)title from Sorry by Halsey





	1. Chapter 1

_ "A witch ought never be frightened in the darkest forest because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest is her". _

-Terry Pratchett, 'Wintersmith"

 

\---

 

Mallory half forgets to bring Madison back from hell, she supposes she deserves some extra time for withholding information from Cordelia. But really Mallory is super overwhelmed with the fact that she’s a) saved the world, and b) can’t tell anyone about it. 

 

She’s eating lunch one day with Zoe, Queenie, and Coco when Queenie asks about any new boy drama, as the details tend to be steamy when it comes to dating and being a witch. Coco descends into a story about her ex and how badly he wants her back. Mallory shrugging off the idea of dating with a “casting spells is way more fun than getting dick” before their attention moves to Zoe. 

 

The brunette looks all sheepish like she’s got something to hide. Their bond being sisterly at this point, Queenie answers for her. “She hasn’t seen anyone since she was fucking a guy, Madison hit with a bus and Misty brought back to life.” She looks to Zoe seemingly asking permission to continue, “Zoe’s got a killer pussy, and I don't mean that in a “sis can throw down” kinda way, I mean any dick sorry enough to know her vag will be subject to a brain aneurysm.”

 

Coco gasps like she’s just heard terrible news, “Damn, I was gonna set you up with one of my friends, nice guy, but like he doesn’t deserve to die”

 

Zoe laughs shortly, something between conflict and acceptance. “It’s okay, I like being alone, I get to focus on teaching and the academy, I just wish he hadn’t been so out of control maybe then Kyle and Madison would still be alive”

 

And that’s when Mallory remembers, “fuck, that’s what I was supposed to do”, she gets up, leaving the other three girls wondering why she’s gotten up so abruptly, and what they’d said to set her off. 

 

“Mallory, you alright?”, Coco questions from behind her salad. 

 

“I’m fine, don’t worry, I just, I gotta go do something,  _ totally  _ forgot, I’ll be back, just give me a little bit” she rushing out, practically tripping over herself along the way. 

 

\---

 

An hour later, Mallory’s standing in the front corridor of the academy, her hands held to her hips, as her shoulders sag and she heaves in breaths, a cold sweat, looking like a triumphant yet deflated super hero, and of course, Madison as regal as ever beside her. 

 

Cordelia’s the first to see the blooming Hollywood starlet standing there in the flesh.

 

“Madison? How are you b-? Jesus! Come here!”, the supreme pulls her close regardless of the undead blonde’s wishes. 

 

After a moment, She decides she can’t take much more, “Alright, Cordy I’m happy to see you too”, she urges out through clenched teeth, “but your arms are more suffocating than the walls of hell”

 

“Deal with it”, Cordelia pushes to hold the embrace a moment longer, pulling her tighter.

 

\---

 

She finds Misty and Queenie next and it’s everything one would assume. Queenie calls her a bitch, but hugs her anyway. Misty takes a moment to look at her, respect that they’ve been through the same darkness, Misty knows hell isn't exactly a fun place to be first hand. “I know ya like tried to kill me an’ stuff when ya thought I was next supreme, an’ then I like beat your face in, but all that’s behind us now, a’right?”

 

“Okay, Swampy”, Madison says, an attempt at being less bitchy, Misty will take anything she can get. 

 

\---

 

She finds Zoe in her room, the one they’d once shared, before they had to defend the coven and learn to grow up really fast. Madison knows everything is different now, she doesn’t have to be so afraid of everything, she sees Zoe sitting in bed, reading, and it’s so simple, it settles something deep within her, something like coming home. She remembers Zoe caring enough to find her at that party, even if it was too late and she’d already been drugged and raped, she still cared enough to try and stop it. She remembers how she never questioned her about flipping the bus, no matter how selfish and careless it was. She remembers how she let her ramble in the dark when they should have been asleep about not knowing her purpose and listening to Zoe’s qualms in return. She remembers how Zoe had always seen the good in her even when she was only showing the bad. She watched closely enough to know about Madison’s eating disorder without asking. She looks at her for only a moment, and doesn’t want to break the spell, wishes she could stand there and admire the other girl forever.  _ God, if the other girls could see her now, how pathetic! _

 

Madison reminds herself that nothing this beautiful can last, so she breaks her own trance, with light knuckles to the already open door and tries to form some semblance of a broken “hey”, like hell had kept her voice when she’d left it. 

 

Zoe’s shoulders tense in a way that expresses relief and fear all at once and she’s looking up like she’s just opened the biggest gift under the Christmas tree. And she’s moving out of bed like someone has thrown her towards the door and Madison can’t keep up the bad bitch act forever so she finds herself moving forward too. And she’s hugging her harder than any of the other witches. 

 

She’s glad she gets to live again to know Zoe’s embrace, to feel her warmth, even if only for a few seconds. Zoe grants her more than that. Arms strewn around each other as fingers brush fabric and hands ravel around necks. “I missed you so much”, Zoe breaths into the blonde’s neck, she doesn’t question how she’s here, too afraid this is a dream, a mistake to be corrected. She just holds on tight. 

 

“Are you crying?” Madison asks, somewhere between giddy and ready to ridicule, she pulls back slightly to get a better look at Zoe’s face. 

 

Zoe only holds on tighter, “some of us have hearts around here” Madison only scoffs, not letting go.

 

\---

 

Madison settles in pretty well for someone who’s spent some time in hell. Maybe a little less well than Misty who's listening to Stevie day and night, spinning in the green house, and kissing Cordelia behind closed doors. 

 

Madison almost resents them for it: being in love while she buries her doubts in a continuous rampage of cigarettes. 

 

She tries to tell Zoe about her hell. The inescapable customers, the always messed up towels, the _ ugly  _ uniform. She listens and waits. They spend a lot of time on the front porch, a white bench outside the door. Wallowing in the passage of time and being serenely grateful that the other exists. They don’t say this, they already know. She tells her to stop smoking, that she just got her back, she doesn’t need lung cancer to take her away again. 

 

Madison nods every time “this is my last one”, like a promise she’d only make to Zoe. But everyday Madison pulls out a fresh pack, and lights one up, and everyday Zoe hums disapprovingly. At least Madison has the decency to look ashamed.

 

Madison asks Zoe to come sit with her late one night when it’s dark and the cicadas are buzzing and everything feels weightless. Madison pulls out a cigarette if only to gain Zoe’s attention. The flame does good in illuminating the laugh lines on Madison’s face that only Zoe gets to see as of late. 

 

The first puff out of Madison’s mouth comes with ease like it always does, and Zoe watches like she’s just seem something she never had, a face that tells Madison that the brunettes got an idea.

 

The blonde squints her eyes just the slightest waiting for the others plan to fully form. And then it’s happening too fast. Zoe’s taking the cigarette from Madison’s hand, a touch the taller girl has always given way to and now is no different. 

 

And Madison’s just watching the way the light makes Zoe look so angelic, the way she’s just examining it like she’s never seen a cigarette before and soon she’s pressing it to her lips before the movie star can stop her. And she’s blowing out smoke with seemed ease, and if they weren’t so close, Madison wouldn’t have seen the gasp and hard swallow that followed. 

 

“That’s not good for you, Zo” Madison whispers, like a grandmother granting her favorite grandchild with unseen advice. “I tell you that everyday” Zoe decides frankly, taking another drag. 

 

“That’s different. I’m expendable.” Madison gripes, all but ripping back the cigarette, deciding she’s seen enough of Zoe’s plan. 

 

“Your not” she tries back with all the conviction in the world. Like she knows Madison won’t believe her. “Besides,” She continues, “the second hand smoke is just as bad, so you asking me out here all the time is killing me to”

 

Madison shrugs, knowing how this is going to go, “you can go inside if you want” 

 

Zoe stays. Madison finishes her cigarette.

 

\---

 

Their sitting on their respective beds one night, chatting soundly from across the room. Zoe tucked into her covers, barely awake. Madison thrown casually atop her made bed. They’re talking about something Coco said in class and how it’s actually good having other witches around, things got scary when it was just the four of them, Cordelia, and Fiona. They’re laughing quietly until the lilts wear off into silence. 

 

“Can I ask you a serious question?” Madison chooses her words deciding to swallow her guilt and ask before the question dies in her throat. 

 

“You know you can”, Zoe reassures like she always does, and the care in her words almost makes the blonde forget her intentions.

 

Madison can’t look at her, her eyes still trained on the ceiling. And it’s not like Zoe sees, as she too, lays with her eyes trained upward. 

 

“What happened to Kyle?”

 

Zoe sits up at that though, something in the way Madison knows exactly what she’s asking but tries to sound unaffected, like he meant nothing to both of them.

 

The shorter girl swallows as she gets comfortable sat up in her bed, her head pushed up against the headboard. Madison sits up too, but at the edge of her own bed, closest to Zoe’s waiting for some sort of response other than movement and prolonged silence.

 

“I made Cordelia burn him at the stake after he killed you” she finally answers, like she’s setting something free.

 

“How did you know he did it?”

 

“He wouldn’t tell me at first, but something in me knew you didn’t runaway to Hollywood, like you’d said. He told me after though, when Cordelia settled into being supreme and he thought he was safe to come clean”

 

“You didn’t have to do that Zoe, I know you really cared about him” Madison looks down, not wanting to voice the jealousy she held for the love she thought they’d had, “I deserved it, the only reason he even thought about killing me was because I refused to bring you back to life”

 

Zoe doesn’t know how to answer that, so Madison continues in her silence.

 

“I don’t know how you even look me in the eye, knowing I left you there cold and lifeless because I wanted a prize that I already knew wasn’t mine.” Madison heaves for air in her tirade, waiting to be stopped before she ruins everything they’ve shared since she’s been back, “ I let you be dead to make a point that I deserved supremacy when I’m really nothing but a waste who only cares about herself”, she’s still breathing heavy, trying to make some sort of basis of connection back to Zoe before she completely falls apart.

 

Zoe’s crying behind her blanket, too startled to look up, afraid that the second she looks back at the other girl, she’ll run. “You were young and afraid and yeah, probably stupid, but I understand why you did it Madison. I promise, I do. You did some really fucked up things, killing Misty, not bringing me back, but you’ve always been loyal to being a witch and what it means to you.” Zoe’s done beating around the bush, “you aren’t those shitty things, you like to hide behind this mask of perfection and bad swirled together, and it works on everyone else, but I know how much you care deep down, I know who you want to be, and she is more beautiful than you can imagine”

 

And it’s then that Madison’s looking up at her like she’s the guiding force as she’s lost in the ocean, and Zoe’s looking back at her like she’ll never leave her alone. 

 

Madison is trying to just breathe as she lets the words sink in. There’s a wetness on her cheeks and salt in her tongue and she’s about to wipe it away before Zoe can see, but the girl was watching too intently. 

 

With a tearful smirk and a tilt of her head, Zoe offers “Are you crying, Montgomery?”

 

“Nope, nope, nope, not crying, that’s not a thing that my eyes do”, she says this while contorting her body away from her inspecting friend. 

 

“Yes you are!” Zoe pokes back like she’s happily talking to a dog, she gets out of her bed only to climb up onto Madison only enough to put her face back in field of view. 

 

Through a gentle battle of pushing and pulling, Zoe tickling Madison’s sides, choruses of “NO IM NOT” and “YES YOU TOTALLY ARE”, they end up facing each other lying in Madison’s bed, Zoe’s hand rubbing away the remnants of tears on Madison’s cheeks with a calming thumb. 

 

“You better not tell anyone, Benson!” Madison demands as she lays a cautious hand on the shorter girl’s hip. 

 

Zoe doesn’t seem to react, so she leaves it there.

 

“Tell then what? That you’re a big baby who contrary to popular belief has a heart” Zoe voices around a smile, never breaking eye contact.

 

“I have a reputation to uphold”, she half-halfheartedly whispers, “that you’re a big softy?” Zoe asserts right back.

 

Madison only giggles, Zoe shivering at the sound.

 

And Zoe loses her smile for a moment, “Really, Mad, II don’t blame you for anything, the circumstances were crazy; and I can’t say with complete certainty that I wouldn’t have done the same-“

  
  


Madison cuts her off with an indignant sigh, “we both know you would’ve brought me back, your selfless and logical and fair”, she breathes out before deciding to add, “and that’s why I like you”

 

Zoe seems to gloss over that  _ minor _ addition. “Either way,” she starts, “we’re both here now”

 

Madison spends a long moment watching how her lips form around those four words that mean so much. And she knows Zoe sees the way her eyes dip to her lips because she’s right there only a few inches from her.

 

And closing the distance would be so easy but. She can’t. It would be a shame to lose a friend after they just said they wouldn’t leave you. 

 

She swallows the adrenaline instead hoping Zoe lets the moment pass without it getting awkward.

 

She smiles at her, like she really needed this heart to heart, made Madison feel like she wasn’t worthless just by showing her teeth. 

 

Zoe stayed there for the night, tucked closely to Madison’s side. They doze off, high on the comfort.

 

When Madison wakes again, she’s alone, and the bed is cold. 

 

\---

 

Something was different about coming back this time. Madison doesn’t feel the need to push everyone away, to resort to anything and everything just to feel something. 

 

Zoe sort of has a way of making her feel things she’s never felt before. And she’s not wasting anymore time being a brat to her when she knows she can be better.

 

She thinks about Kyle a lot. How he loved Zoe more than anything in the world, many that was because he had no one else, because of his mother, because his darkness matched hers. 

 

Kyle reminds Madison that even a monster was capable of love.

 

She tries not to think of Zoe and love in the same sentence. She tries to convince herself that she could be capable of love too.

 

The blonde spends a lot of time recycling her feelings for the undead boy and why she’d been so jealous when he’d chosen Zoe over her. It was then that she knew Zoe would always win, with her big eyes, so innocent, and the delicate quirk of her lips, so sweet.

 

And yeah she was mad and sad, that no matter how many threesomes they’d had where Madison couldn’t take her eyes off Zoe, she knew that the younger girl only had eyes for Kyle. But Zoe must’ve felt sorry enough, felt enough solemn pity to let Madison take the reigns enough times to feel special enough not to kill herself.

 

Zoe must’ve cared enough to not want her dead.

 

But of course, Madison was just deciding that she cared back. And just on the outside of learning not to hide her feelings behind dark veils of degrading comments and abuses of power. Just a hair away from recovery when the 7 wonders were thrust on them all. And she’d been thrown back to square one of her always displeased disposition, forced to compete with no regard for her opponents. And she’s hesitated when deciding to let Zoe die. Something in the beauty of the stillness of her corpse. But still let her stay dead anyway.

 

At that moment, in her small twisted mind, she figured the brunette deserved some plain of revenge, for being so kind to Madison when she didn’t deserve it, for sharing Kyle out of pity, for being dumb enough to want to bring him back in the first place. 

 

Retail didn’t grant her a lot of time to think, but now that she has more time than she knows what to do with, she spends less time trying to fill the hole in her heart with sex and drugs, and more time puzzling out the riddles of the demons in her mind.

 

And it works most of the time, until she’s adding a snide comment to Misty’s ramble about plants, and Zoe’s kicking her under the table. And she’s trying not to think about how she doesn’t deserve Zoe or any of them, especially with the things she’s done. 

 

And more often than not she’s holding her tongue, and not only because she doesn’t want another warning from Cordelia. 

 

She’s looking for a way to make it up to them.

 

\---

 

“What’s it like to die?”, a young witch is asking Madison one morning.

 

And Madison isn’t exactly happy that these children are always running among them, that they’re not scared of her. But she’s found a way to convince herself that being nice to the young students secures the position that she’ll have a few helpers when she’s old and can’t wipe her own ass.

 

“It’s not too fun, kid” she grumbles back, her hand holding up her head, not quite sure of this particular witch’s name.

 

“I mean, I don’t think it’s fun, I just. My dad died when I was 5, and I just wanna make sure he’s not; like suffering”

 

Madison knows what it’s like to feel alone, sees the reflection of the feeling in the girl’s irises. Half of her nagging to tell the girl to fuck off, “life sucks, get over it”, but the other half is a startling pulse of “what would Zoe say?” And she truly would have to admit which side wins out.

 

“Was your dad a good man?” The blonde asks, after sitting up straight, the girl nods softly, sure of her answer, but not of wear the older witch is going with it.

 

“Then I’m sure he’s fine, ya know all things considered”

 

And that’s not the greatest answer but she thinks it’s somewhere between what Zoe and her old self would say.  _ That’s a start, _ she thinks.

 

And the girls saying “Thanks, Maddie” and running off before Madison can really read her face. 

 

She reminds herself to tell Zoe to stop calling her that around the other witches, no matter how much her stomach tingles whenever the nickname dances across her lips. 

 

And here she is thinking too hard again, when she catches the proud eyes of Zoe and Cordelia across the room, like they both just watched Madison bring a baby bird back to life. She thinks maybe they see her trying to be better. 

 

And there’s a bite in her stomach saying not to care what they think. To only think for herself. But she knows how sad and lonely that is. She knows she can’t fight the worth she’s finding in herself, her love for Zoe, or the care she holds for the coven back forever.

 

\---

 

Mallory has a way of treating Madison like she knows exactly what she would put on the line for the safety of the coven. And it scares her. How much Mallory trusts her. Because she still has a hard time trusting herself. 

 

And maybe she finds herself opening up to Mallory a little too much. 

 

Telling her about the demons that swim around her cerebellum in the dark hours of the day. She chalks the trust up to the fact that Mallory  _ was  _ the one who brought her back in the first place.

 

Madison’s rambling about life before hell, and she’s recounting how she, Queenie, and Nan welcomes Zoe to Robichaux's with velvet black robes and a knife to her throat, “you should of seen her face”, she throws out over a laugh, before seeing the modified horror on Mallory’s face.

 

“I mean, I was young and stupid and if I had known Zoe was cool, I wouldn’t have,” the blonde tries to backtrack a bit, “I swear, you just had to be there”

 

“You guys must have a lot of history, that’s like a pretty shitty start, for you two to be as close as you are”, Mallory pushes the idea into Madison’s sometimes thick head.

 

“Yeah,  _ a lot,  _ the brat is actually not the worst”

 

“ _ The worst  _ is a spot specifically dedicated to you my friend”, Zoe interjects moving in the room from the hallway, the blonde tries to hide the burn in her chest at “my friend”, mentally slapping herself for not being able to push it all away, but smiling at the insult nonetheless.

 

It’s a quiet moment where Madison is realizing that she’s only good at taking insults from Zoe, that she’s probably exposing herself every time Zoe pokes fun and she stays silent. And she’s trying to think of a sassy rebuttal that doesn’t fall in the realm of “takes one to know one, buddy”, so she figures silence is better than tripping over her words. 

 

Mallory’s cutting the silence short, saying something about needing to speak to Misty, that Madison is blocking out. 

 

The blonde remains stationary for a moment as Zoe bids the shorter girl goodbye. “You wanna come outside with me?” Are Madison’s next words as she fishes through her bag for her carton of cigarettes and her lighter.

 

“Sure” Zoe pouts, looking incredulously at the blond.

 

Madison’s walking toward the front door and swinging it open with Zoe in tow, as their fingers graze on the cold wood of the door frame. 

 

The contact of the brunettes warm fingers a welcome contrast to the frigid nature of her own. 

 

And their sitting on the creaky white bench but Madison isn’t moving to light her cigarette. Instead she’s sitting, waiting, pondering. 

 

Zoe’s curious enough to watch her, but kind enough not to pry. 

 

In a calm but certain motion, Madison’s eyes refocus on the items in her hand, lighting the entire carton on fire, holding the other edge, waiting for the flame to catch around the 3 other corners of the box.

 

“Madison?!” Zoe inserts with force, a question of  _ why _ ? And  _ what the fuck?  _ all in the feel of the older girl’s name.

 

When the flames catch closer to the movie stars fingers she drops the fried remains unceremoniously to the surface of the porch, stomping out the remaining embers.

 

“What was that about?” Zoe tries to ask this time, with more words, hoping for a discernible answer.

 

“I know you guys forgive me or whatever, but I want to prove that I’ve gotten better than who I was, that I’m loyal to the coven, and I guess I thought giving up the cigarettes was a good place to start” she breathes, looking to Zoe for the first time, “ I have to be healthy to be a role model witch,” she finishes half laughing at herself.

 

“Well, you don’t have to prove anything, Maddie. We see the growth in you everyday”, Zoe lays a hand over one of Madison’s, “Hell clicked on this switch in your head that’s letting you see the good somehow, we trust you.”

 

Madison’s eyes stay down cast to her knees. “Being mean all the time is so...exhausting”

 

Zoe’s not good with pity parties.

 

She raises the hand that isn’t clung to Madison’s fingers and places her delicate fingers on her chin, forcing he contact. 

 

“Hey.  _ I trust you” _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

The morning after Madison’s show of burning her pack of cigarettes is more tentative than usual. Madison sleeps through Zoe’s alarm, which is out of the ordinary as she’s usually the one getting out of bed to shut it off. 

The brunette figures the blonde could use some extra sleep seeing as she hasn’t slept through the night since being back from hell. And she looks so untouchable there, strewn under her covers, a mess of limbs and hair, Zoe knows too well of the tossing and turning necessary for the other girl to get any form of rest. She lets her sleep through breakfast and plans to wake her up after the scheduled council meeting.

But Madison beats her to it, when Zoe’s phone buzzes under the table while Cordelia is mid sentence about new student arrangements and new architectural additions to the house. 

She offers a forgiving smile as the supreme’s attention is momentarily distracted by the noise.

Still she reaches for the device from her pocket, silently opening her phone to see a text message from her roommate.

Maddie: “I think like I’ve been repressing all my emotions my entire life so imma be up in our room all day just ya know letting it all out so hopefully I can stop being a sad little bitch all the time and get on with world domination so like don’t be alarmed if I’m like sobbing when you come back up here”

Zoe doesn’t answer the message, locks her phone the instant she’s done reading and trains her eyes back on the supreme, trying to focus on the words coming out of Cordelia’s mouth instead of the image of strong, unstoppable Madison sobbing into herself, broken and alone. 

Queenie asks a question and Zoe blocks it out, staring at the picture of Misty and Madison on the wall of Cordelia’s office.

A picture taken a few weeks ago, Misty smiling ear to ear, holding Madison to her side, as the girl all but runs away. Misty’s hand clasped around Madison’s jaw, forcing her cheeks into a smile. Zoe remembers how Cordelia asked to take a picture, to remember the hole in the coven before they’d returned from hell, to show that each and every witch was important to the coven.

And yeah, Madison was flattered that Cordelia would even want to hang a picture of her up, that she missed her enough to group she and Misty together, but she wouldn’t show that. Not when Zoe was smiling at her like she knew how much the gesture made her toes curl. Not when Swampy, was invading her personal space.

Luckily, the meeting was over before Zoe could dive deep into the way Madison’s eyes shined regardless of the facial expression she tried to cover it with. 

And Cordelia was touching Zoe’s hand, breaking her from the moment of reverie. “You okay?”, she always spoke so carefully in times like this, her words soft but her intention strong.

“Yeah, just thinking is all” Zoe gave back a grateful closed lip smile. 

Cordelia nodded, letting the moment of worry go, “Where’s Madison?” she tried for instead, “she’s just as much a member of the council as you.”

“She knows,” Zoe attempts at explaining without spilling everything of Madison, “she’s just taking a mental health day, I guess”

And it’s not that she doesn’t trust Cordelia, or even that she thinks Madison doesn’t. She just finds herself wanting to keep all the little flecks of Madison for herself. And she knows it’s selfish, to reel in every smile, commit every insensitive joke to memory, seldom let others reap the benefits of the blonde’s complexity, but she can’t help it. 

“That’s good” Cordelia offers, “you know, I was afraid at first that you two wouldn’t get along when she came back. But it seems like I had nothing to worry about. It’s quite apparent to everyone that you make each other better”

And Zoe knows what the older witch means, she’s talking about their friendship, or at least she thinks she is. But the supreme is looking at her like she knows about the knots in Zoe’s core every time she simply looks at Madison.

Zoe figures it might be good to let someone in, especially when that someone has never shown you judgement or ill will. And maybe she’s not confessing anything at all when she asks, “how did you tell Misty about your feelings?”, because yeah, they were just talking about Madison like Cordelia already knows something is up, but then again, Zoe isn’t stupid enough to attach any names to herself.

Cordelia smiles first, short and longing, like she’s remembering the moment. 

“It wasn’t long after she was back, she was asking if I’d been seeing anyone since Hank, or since she left, and I thought she was just asking to ask, ya know, to catch up on all the things she’d missed, but at the same time I saw something in her eyes that told me the weight behind her words. And I guess I was tired of waiting, especially when we saw just how pressuring time can be.”

And Zoe was sort of clinging onto every word, waiting for the fire in her stomach to erupt into conclusion.

“And I told her that I’d been waiting for someone special to come back to me, and that I still can’t believe she’s here now”, Cordelia cleared her throat then, moving her eyes to the wall, shifting her weight behind her desk, “I’m sure you don’t want the lovey dovey details,” an awkward laugh.

And Zoe kind of does, wants all of it, so she can have hope for her and Madison, so she has something to compare it to. But she won’t push.

“I’m really happy for you” Zoe says, because she really is, and she’s trying to make Cordelia think this isn’t about Madison.

“Thank you, Zoe. I’m glad we have you”

And Zoe thinks maybe she’s accomplished her task, but she’s sorely fucking it all up, by asking, “what if you’re tired of waiting, but you don’t want anything to change? Like it’s good now, why mess it up?” And Zoe sort of feels naive and 14 after that question. 

Like she’s talking to her friends about her middle school boyfriend wanting to go to second base. But this is Madison she’s talking about, someone far too important to lose (again).

But Cordelia always has this way of making her feel valid and loved, “sometimes the reward is worth the risk”, she’s saying like a riddle of good fortune. And Zoe is sucking it up like her first taste of relief.

A deep breath of something necessary, before she nods in understanding.

“Thanks, Delia” Zoe mutters feeling obliterated and revived all at once.

“You know I’m always here, Zoe”

The brunette only nods back, too shaken to answer fully.

She’s leaving then, pushing her chair away from Cordelia’s desk and making her way toward the door when Cordelia decides it’s a good time to hit her with, “Madison’s lucky to have you”.

And Zoe’s trying not to look so frozen and short circuited, an abrupt slap back of “I never said it was M-“

But she’s stopped a few syllables short by Cordelia’s look of “really? Who else?”

All she can do is accept her fate. “Alright”, Zoe huffs.

\---

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to get so deep in her emotions that early in the morning, because now Zoe’s moving through the day like she’s not sure her mind is working anywhere near correct.

The young witch finds herself going through the motions of teaching her classes for the day, the spark of light gone from her pupils as the back of her mind stays fixated on Madison drowning out her sorrows.

And when she finds a spare moment of forcing the sadness from her brain she’s overcome with anxiety about coming clean to the other girl. Her foot tapping repeatedly at lunch to the point where Misty is asking if she’s okay and Cordelia giving her a look. 

She almost regrets their earlier conversation, because now the supreme looks at her like a dog that got hit by a car and was left for dead. 

This needs to end. Now.

\---

It's a quarter to 8 and still no sign of Madison being any form of human today. Zoe’s had enough torture for one day.

She comes up to their shared room, a bottle of water, a full box of tissues, and takeout from Madison’s favorite Chinese place. She knocks first. No answer. 

“It’s me” she clarifies.

“It’s your room. Why are you knocking, dumb ass?”

And Zoe hates herself for not coming up sooner, the break in Madison’s voice, the hurt laced underneath the harsh comment.

Zoe opens the door to see Madison sat up against her head board, curled into herself, staring at the screen of her laptop. “Hey” Madison says like she doesn’t look so fragile. 

“I brought you food”, Zoe brings the items to her bedside table, trying to pretend the sight of the blonde isn’t bone crushing. 

“Thanks” she forces out, but doesn’t make a move to actually eat.

“What are you watching?” The brunette changes the subject in hopes of keeping the tone away from the fact that Madison is still leaking tears like the Niagara. 

“The Office. I thought maybe it would stop me from blubbering, but 3 episodes later, i'm still free flowing”

“Do you want me to go?” Of course Zoe doesn’t want to leave her, but she’s not sure how long she can watch the tears unfold, but if Madison wants to be alone, she’ll spend the night on a blow up mattress in Mallory’s and Coco’s room. 

“Nah,” Madison answers casually, as if she wants anything less than for Zoe to hold her close and never let go, “you wanna watch with me?”

“Only if you promise to eat.”

“Hand it over, Mother” Madison snaps, equal parts bitchy and thankful. 

So they sit there for a while, on Madison’s bed, watching the screen of her laptop, the blonde eating her food and blowing her nose, the brunette catching glances toward her friend every so often.

\---

It’s getting late when they’re 10 episodes in and the entire house has probably been asleep for hours, Madison’s take out box tossed in the trash, her bottle of water ¾ of the way gone.

And Madison isn’t crying anymore but her face still looks puffy and red, and she’s yawning as she sinks lower into the bed. Her eyes are closed soon after, and Zoe doesn’t want to shake her or call her name to see if she’s really asleep, something too serene about the moment. So she waits 5 minutes in the silence, committing to memory the wetness of Madison’s eyelashes, the dry redness of her lips, the set of her jaw. 

She does this, before shutting down the laptop and placing it on the bedside table, tucking Madison in, and moving for her own bed.

She only makes it a few inches, Madison’s hand tugging on her wrist and pulling her back. The blonde’s eyes are still closed when Zoe searches out for them. She settles there nonetheless, turning to shut of the light.

When you turns back over toward the blonde, the next tactile motion are arms securing around her rib cage, wrists crossed behind her back, the side of Madison’s face against her sternum, the top of her head held underneath her chin. And Zoe can’t help but find her own arms settling around the sleeping girl’s neck and shoulders. 

She lay awake for a few moments before finding it in her not to care about the implications of their position.

If she feels a few tears wet her collar bone, she doesn’t mention it.

\---

When Madison calls an “emergency meeting” the next morning for the “entire coven”, Zoe thinks the worst, like maybe Madison’s decided to leave for Hollywood, for real this time. 

But she doesn’t have much time to stress, because all the girl’s are gathering in the common room and Madison is standing on the furniture, and Cordelia is looking at Madison like a weary mother, and everyone is waiting, looking like they’re either bored or can’t wait for whatever this is about, and Zoe’s holding her breath until...

“I’m back, witch bitches!”

And Zoe is finally exhaling, Cordelia trying her best to look stern, “Madison! Language!”

“Sorry,” she starts again and sounds like she means it, “I mean I’ve cleansed myself of my wounds from being in hell and I’d like to declare that I am still probably not the best one to go to for advice, but like I mean well, alright? Furthermore, you all somehow have clawed a place in my small, cold, dead heart and I thank you for reminding me that I am top witch bitch”

“Madison!” Cordelia strikes again.

“Ok, I’m done” Madison stares out at the sea of witches, batting her eyes and waving like witch royalty, only to turn and stick her tongue out toward their Supreme, earning a few giggles from the surrounding witches as she steps down.

Cordelia motions for the girls to disperse as Madison makes her way toward Zoe. 

“What was that about?” Zoe asks, high from the relief that the blonde witch is here to stay.

“Gotta remind em who’s boss” Madison answers more sure than anything, a curt quirk of her lips.

“You mean Cordelia?” Zoe reminds her, never letting Madison have her ill intentioned victories.

The taller girl pouts, but Zoe can’t help but laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really had like no ideas for this chapter when i finished the first (thats why i posted it then, hoping the validation would spur the fresh ideas), BUT IT DIDNT!!! and then i was at work (retail! my day to day is literally Madison's hell!) and the store was EMPTY Tm for like 3 hrs and i was just walking around BRAINSTORMING! but nothing was coming! and then was awake til 4 am cuz sis has legit insomnia ("sis" meaning me), and ya girl still had no idea ("ya girl" meaning me) and then i was about to fall asleep and it all hit me! so i wrote a gross ass typo filled summary in my notes and then i spent like 5 hrs today expanding said gross ass typo filled summary, and that became chapter 2. so if your reading this chapter thinking to yourself "this shit cheesy as fuck" you cant blame me cuz i didn't write this, some half asleep bitch wrote this at 4 am, and i don't knowww her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is kinda cordelia and madison heavy...gotta insert the foxxay somehow so here it is, enjoy

 

_"The darkness in a woman is such that, stripped of our sight, we must feel our way through it --we crawl, we enter her circles of Hell until we sympathize with her sorrow, until we learn from her rage."_   


-Segovia Amil

 

Madison is sort of treating this whole “growing experience” like a race to the finish line, and sure, she is winning.

 

She asks Cordelia to add some blocks of Telekinetic courses to help with the load of too many new witches and not enough mentors. She helps Queenie with a lesson plan on Voodoo curses. Makes Coco a healing potion for a migraine induced by too many food scans. Even calls Misty by her actual name enough times for everyone to notice. 

 

There’s still bite behind her words. When Mallory asks for help with the groceries, Madison croaks out a definite “no” before getting up to do just the opposite. When Cordelia asks about classes, the witch still unapologetically refers to her pupils as “godforsaken runts”. Zoe thinks it's kind of endearing, the way Madison isn't trying to be anyone but herself, an enigma of good intentions, and a sharp tongue. She knows Madison saves her truest words for the nights they spend curled together in Madison’s bed.

 

And yeah, Zoe should probably stop while she’s ahead, before these explosive feelings force her to do something she can’t take back. But she has to acknowledge that both of them are sleeping better than ever before, tucked together, Madison thriving on the warmth from Zoe’s ribcage. She can’t tell Madison to stop holding her without coming clean, without feeling like she’s lost, just when she started to feel like everything could work out. 

And it’s too much to ask. “What is this?” “Are we just friends?” because Zoe’s never felt like she’s had more to lose than in this very moment. 

 

So she succumbs to the beast that cradles her to sleep, finds refuge in Madison’s arms and the fairytale dreams that follow, cursed only by the reality when she wakes up, again and again when Madison is no longer there.

 

Because the blonde has made it a ritual to get up before Zoe can wake and realize what she's done in the morning light. 

 

“You know you don’t have to run all the time?” she mutters against Madison’s shoulder one cold night, a breath or two away from sleep.

 

Madison just sighs back like she wishes that were true.

 

Something deep in her brain telling her she still isn’t worthy of the brunette’s time or friendship let alone anything more and-

 

Madison can’t allow herself to think about that. She’ll drown in the idea of Zoe fixing all her problems with a kiss, and even she knows that’s too good to be true.

 

And yeah, maybe Zoe isn’t her savior, but maybe she’s something close to it. Maybe she can’t make Madison stop hating herself for all the shit she’s ever done. Hell, Zoe didn't even save her from hell. But there's something there, the motivation Zoe moves through Madison’s veins, the way she makes her want to be better for herself, truly instills worth and living for the purity of breath and nothing else. 

 

Madison can’t deny the light beading off her. Can’t let go of the fortunes she’s offered. Madison won’t give up something as beautiful as Zoe in hopes that there could be more, not when she’s holding her, not when she’s so close yet so far.

 

\---

 

It’s surely surprising that Madison finds herself in Cordelia’s office more than anyone would consider normal for the young witch. And Misty would probably be jealous if it hadn't been so clear that Madison was really just trying to help. It was quite endearing actually how easily Cordelia and Madison threw degrading comments at each other all the while knowing the care they actually shared for each other. Like sisters, Madison can say “the only thing you're supreme at is bottoming the Swamp witch” and Cordelia can reply with “actually it's the other way around, i can get you front row seats if you’d like, i know you’re quite touch starved these days” without anyone being truly offended.

 

And the insults string back and forth as Madison makes a home for herself in an office corner, filling out paperwork and assisting her Supreme in any way she can.

 

And Zoe finds it beyond cute, unaware that Madison is doing this, in part, to keep her mind from wandering to things she can’t have. 

 

She tries not to disturb the flow the two blonde witches have found, but can’t help but pop in from time to time, bringing them tea when they’ve spent too much time tending to the needs of the academy, and not their own and a “thanks, princess” slips from Madison’s mouth without much thought as she takes the cup graciously.

 

Madison doesn’t think twice, but Zoe is looking at Cordelia as if to say “did you hear that?’ and Cordelia is looking back with a mixture of “she’s so far gone” and “how in the world are you still not together?”

 

But Zoe is leaving the room before Madison can question the red in her cheeks. 

 

“Madison?” Cordelia is prodding a moment later.

 

“Yes, my Sapphic Supreme?” Madison answers, unaware that her jocular tone isn’t suitable here.

 

“Did you just call Zoe “princess”?”

 

“Uh, i guess” Madison says suddenly flustered.

 

“Oh” is all Cordelia offers back like that answers all her questions.

 

And silence returns as Madison continues scribbling on the paper in front of her and Cordelia resumes typing on her laptop, until the younger witch ceremoniously tosses her pen down, effectively grabbing the supreme’s attention. 

 

“Not that Zoe and I are a thing. She’s too uptight and goody two shoes, not to mention a girl-” she’s rambling now, and she knows it, and when Cordelia cuts her off she’s almost glad, so shaken she’s insulting the very girl she sort of loves.

 

“Madison, i didn’t say you were” the supreme tries to resolve as usual, but Madison is better at adding fuel than extinguishing flames.

 

“No, Cordy, but you implied it! Do you get off on reminding me that i'll always be alone?”

 

And Madison is probably meaning it as a joke, but it's coming out like puffs of chemical warfare.

 

Suddenly Cordelia feels like they’re too far away, getting up from her seat at her desk, standing in front of a now red Madison.

 

“You're not ever going to be alone.” and Cordelia is just shy of putting her palm against Madison’s cheek when she’s pushing the hand away, feeling the tears threatening to fall, feeling unworthy of the supreme’s maternal care.

 

Madison knows what she means. Knows Cordelia would never let her go back to hell without a fight. That the witches will always be by her side, but she yearns for something more. It's then that she hates the part of herself that just isn’t fulfilled.

 

She’s found her “tribe”, as Misty likes to say, she’s alive, and healthy, and cared for. And all she can think about is what she doesn’t have. It's a certain rage that comes, seeing “ungrateful” in her own reflection.

 

“I know” is all the younger witch can manage, “i just…there’s something missing”, she settles for as an explanation.

 

“Then go find it”, Cordelia encourages, wanting to add “ _ she’s right down the hall _ ”, but doesn’t. 

 

“What if you’ve found it, but you can’t take it, what if it’s not yours?”

Cordelia is kind of stumped by that, caught between telling Zoe’s secret or keeping it in favor of Madison’s suffering.

 

The Supreme opts to stay silent, biting over her lips, trying to keep her own tears at bay.

 

She’s now realizing she can’t protect her girls from each other.

 

\---

 

Madison knows she’s bi. She’s just never exactly said the words out loud. And requesting a three some with Mr. All blonde and no brains, and the new girl with a pussy problem was definitely a step in the right direction, but it wasn’t a grand gesture of coming out, not to mention how long ago that feels. 

 

But she’s asking Cordelia about it nonetheless, a few days after her prior meltdown of dying sad and loveless. She’s propped against the door frame ready to make a quick escape need be, “Have you always known you were into girls?” she slides in casually, after a joke about the supreme spending all her time between a certain witches legs. And the Supreme darts her eyes away, something close to bashful, reeling Madison into her answer, as she strays into her story:

 

“As a teenager, i thought i just really admired certain women, I never really compared thoughts about men and women in that way, i think in my 20’s i started getting it, like realizing that dating women, loving women was an option, but I was scared. I had bigger things to deal with, with Fiona. By the time i was starting to feel comfortable, i was marrying Hank in spite of mother’s wishes and the journey of finding that comfort-ability wasn’t needed anymore. I put that energy into my self hatred. You knew that Cordelia, the one that blamed everything on herself. Tortured herself, wanted nothing more than her mother’s approval. Misty wasn’t an easy band aid, but she woke up something in me that felt dead. Hope. For the better. And i guess it wasn't really about her being a woman at that point. It was just that she  _ was free, and she wasn’t asking for permission.”  _

 

And Madison has so much to say back. “As much as it might not have seemed like it, i liked old Cordelia, she had determination. Not to mention a great sense of style”, Madison winks.

 

“Are you saying I don’t have a great sense of style now?” the supreme gawks back.

 

The younger witch narrows her eyes, accusingly “you’ve been wearing too many black pencil skirts and you know it”

 

Cordelia throws a pen her way with a flick of her wrist, Madison’s hand coming up to swat it away from hitting her in the face.

 

“ **The point is,** I like supreme Cordy better, power suits you”, Madison chuckles, “i’d love to see the look on every homophobes face when they find out that the world’s most powerful witch is a homo”

 

“Half a homo.” Cordelia corrects, “Don’t erase the bisexuals”

 

And Madison thinks about biting her tongue, but the witches of this coven tend to make a habit of giving they’re leader too much information.

 

“I can’t really erase myself, Miss Cordelia”, she reveals, indignant, waiting for Cordelia’s celebratory reply. It doesn’t come. Instead, “Madison?” she asks like she isn’t sure she heard the younger witch right,

 

“We both know what i said”

 

And it’s not like Cordelia is surprised, she’s just surprised Madison is telling her. 

 

And it's not the greatest first coming out, but it's more Madison than anything else. Something new in the weight it pulls off her chest. 

 

\---

Madison finds herself sleeping in after that, somehow okay to face Zoe when the curtains draw back and the sun light soaks through their skin. 

 

Zoe doesn't question it, afraid the words will die in her throat, that Madison will always run first and talk later. 

 

Instead, she claws her fingers deeper into Madison’s shoulder blades, commits the scent of her skin to memory, pushes closer. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally just wrote this, its almost 3 am and i have to be up at 6, the things i do for fictional humans, go figure,,,,
> 
> anyway this chapter is a little shorter than the others but i hope you can forgive me, im literally writing these as spur of the moment impulses at midnight,
> 
> anyway good luck with this, if u liked the insert of cordelia again lmk
> 
> if not, theres more zadison centered events to come so dont you worry
> 
> alright


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i dont know sis

 

_ “i’ve been told  _

_ that if you repeat a word _

_ over and over _

_ it loses its meaning  _

 

_ i have stayed up _

_ countless nights _

_ repeating your name  _

_ hoping _

_ that you will mean less to me _

_ with each breath” _

 

—-

 

It didn’t work. Madison still felt her in every moment, blamed everything on herself for not coming clean. Even with all the trying she’s been doing, there’s something inside herself that she can’t escape. And maybe that’s the problem, that she’s trying to escape at all when she should be facing all that’s wrong with her head on.

 

The stages of grief: she’s stuck in denial that Zoe could ever love her the way she wants, too afraid to move to anger, can’t imagine hating the brunette long enough to bargain for what she could gain, and she can’t fathom ever accepting that Zoe was made for anything else other to hold her when she sleeps.

 

And it’s not healthy, the way she throws herself into helping Cordelia, the way she tries to go against the energy pulls calling her toward her roomate. They swim through the day, passing each other. but never grasping for arms, never stopping to breathe each other in. That’s for night, behind the neat confines of their bedroom door, where no one else can hear the intimacy bouncing off of them. And Madison doesn’t mean for it to be this way, her trying to forget everything she’s ever associated with Zoe, but the feeling is eating away at her, something like the maggots in her stomach the first time she died. 

  
  


And the words “Are you okay?” are on the tip of Zoe’s tongue for everyday that passes that Madison doesn’t chance her any looks. And the thought doesn’t occur to her until she’s finding herself missing the ochre glow of the blonde’s eyes. 

 

But she can’t ask when Madison is pressed against her chest, in her bed, playing with the fringe of her shirt, waiting wistfully for Zoe to say something, to be taken away by slumber.

 

Maybe Zoe is just happy that Madison spares her any time at all, even if that time is fixated on resting from the day, and not because Madison is seeking her out because she wants to. The brunette is half convincing herself that Madison is her friend out of convenience, that the blonde keeps her close because she’s so alone, she’ll settle for someone as ordinary as Zoe believes herself to be. But she can’t live and be so insecure at the same time, so she’s pushing Madison back just the slightest, just to see the red ringed eyes, the pink of the lips, she loves so much, whispering “are you avoiding me?’ and the question seems stupid, now that Madison is breathing the same air as her, that she’s close enough to kiss and never let go.

 

But Madison can’t be thrown by the question when she knows exactly what Zoe is talking about: the leaving Zoe’s text messages opened yet unanswered, the choosing a seat next to Coco at lunch, pretending she doesn’t feel Zoe’s foot poking her under the table, pushing Zoe back with every “I’m busy with Cordelia”, “Queenie asked to hang out”, and “Misty was gonna show me some stuff in the green house” and Zoe is listening, standing by, too afraid to push back against everything Madison has ever asked for.

 

And it sort of pisses Madison off that Zoe is so good at finding loopholes for Madison’s bitchiness. Because the blonde is creating soft ways to tell Zoe to fuck off, and Zoe is just thinking she needs space.

 

“I’m sorry” Madison’s saying and Zoe didn’t know she was capable of remorse, “I’ve just been overwhelmed lately”

 

And Zoe’s too understanding for her own good, can’t read that Madison is overwhelmed by the feelings of all encompassing acceptance, she’s all, but consumed by every time Zoe lays a hand on her. 

  
“That’s understandable, Mad. You haven’t been back for very long, no one is going to fault you for taking a step back from everything, especially considering how many responsibilities you’ve taken on”

 

Madison only nods, afraid opening her mouth will catapult her into saying too much, how she’s only overwhelmed by how much she wants to kiss her.

 

And that’s okay because Zoe isn’t done, “but you know I’m always here for you,” she’s dropping her tone, pushing a strand of bleach blonde hair behind Madison’s ear, “you don’t have to run”

 

And Madison does just that. Pushes back all too soon, something explosive in the way she sits up too quickly, to take some deep breaths, wills herselfs not to spring through the door. She shakes momentarily, just out of Zoe’s reach, before she’s transmutated herself to the currently empty greenhouse.

 

And Zoe is left there, trying her hardest not to fall apart, something fragile she’s become in waiting for necessary air. 

 

\---

 

Zoe reads a lot, its something  most of the witches really admire, the way she’s always got a book hooked under her fingers, Cordelia always asking her “What are you reading now?” and Zoe’s eyes lighting up at the supreme’s genuine interest.

 

Madison kind of thinks its hot, that Zoe uses big words she doesn't understand, that she’s smarter than her, the way she looks with a novel held too close to her face, her eyes focused on the words. 

 

Madison likes to hear her babble on about characters, and syntax, and life lessons. 

 

Madison doesn’t like that Mallory sees the passion behind Zoe’s eyes, starts trading books with her, discussing the themes with Zoe in a way she herself isn't capable.

 

She isn’t jealous, that’s not a thing, actually maybe, okay. She’s jealous. 

 

Save for the fact that she likes Mallory, the care and respect she holds for all of them, the way she doesn’t gloat about most likely being the next supreme, the way she seems like she knows something no one else does, but doesn’t use that knowledge against anyone, just tries to make everything somehow better. If anything Madison admires her, truly.

 

If Zoe can find a friend in Mallory while Madison is busy brooding about the world being empty and cruel, than that’s something to be thankful for. 

 

Especially when Mallory is handing her a copy of “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl as if Zoe hasn’t already found it in the coven, in Madison’s eyes. But there’s something different about this one, because Zoe is carrying it with her to every class, reading it cover to cover in a day or two only to restart, bending the pages like they mean something more than delicate, so much so that when Mallory gives her another book she doesn’t ask for it back. She watches the way Zoe’s eyes grow relieved when she says “you can keep it, i read it for a class once, i didn’t know you’d like it so much”

 

And Zoe is telling anyone that will listen about Frankl’s logotherapy, the way he just gets it, the finding meaning in someone, something, unavoidable suffering.

 

“The way he talks about what we do with time” she’s voicing to Mallory from across a desk, “like that we have to live like we’ve already lived, knowing the consequences before facing them” she finishes wondrously, still completely astonished and stricken by the words she feels so connected to.

 

And Mallory almost laughs thinking about how she’s lived this day before, but under very different circumstances, she wants to tell Zoe how grateful she should be that Madison’s feelings or lack of are her biggest concern, when the world could be imploding and wizards could be running them into the ground.

 

Instead, she settles for “it’s definitely something that makes you think, I’m glad you like it so much”

 

Zoe is smiling at that, not letting Mallory be dismissive toward her on going thought, “think?! More like question every decision i’ve ever made”

 

And maybe Mallory is thinking about killing Michael, saving the coven, letting herself be so close to death. But Zoe is referring to sleeping with her boyfriend before she knew she was a witch, letting Madison be alone at the party, letting Madison flip the bus, bringing Kyle back to life, asking Misty for help bringing Madison back to life (the first time), not killing Kyle when she had the chance, having him burn for his sins, not telling Madison the truth. 

\---

 

Madison is finding sticky notes on the wall of their room, quotes from the book Zoe has all but drowned herself in, she assumes.

 

“Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance.”

 

She thinks about Zoe’s death, how small she looked lying there, helpless. How in her own death, she thought about big brown eyes and soft smiles, her laugh, the soft of her hair. She never stopped loving Zoe, even when she wasn’t breathing. 

 

“The Categorical Imperative: “Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now!”

 

She’s almost offended by how much it resonates, her muscles tense at the way the words call her out. She’s acting like a loveless fool, when in reality she doesn’t know how Zoe truly feels, won’t know unless she asks. Madison feels as though she’s lived 1000 lifetimes of wasting her time not kissing Zoe. Maybe it’s time to change her fate, especially when she’s been granted a second and third chance to make things right.

 

“Happiness must happen, and the same holds for success: you have to let it happen by not caring about it. I want you to listen to what your conscience commands you to do and go on to carry it out to the best of your knowledge.”

 

Madison knows what her conscience commands her to do.

—-

 

There’s an unmistakable tension that night when Zoe feels especially isolated.

 

Madison is already in her bed, covers thrown over her as her head and cell phone peek over the edge. 

 

And Zoe kind of makes a harsh decision at a moments notice, slides into her own bed now that Madison is so keen on always running away.

 

She’s just become settled under her blankets when Madison calls out her name. “Yes?” She asks like she’s prepared for the storm about to come.

 

“Why are you in your own bed?” Madison asks and Zoe kind of wants to scream. 

 

“I wanted to give you your space”, she answers stiffly instead.

 

“I’m sorry for leaving”, she starts, “I’m still not used to someone caring so much”

 

“I care about you, Madison”, Zoe assures before realizing the weight, “we all do”

 

“I know” settles somewhere between them.

 

“Can I come lay with you?” Madison asks, sounding small and like it took a lot to be so vulnerable, Zoe knows how hard that is for her.

 

Zoe nods her approval, before Madison is pushing out of her own bed to join Zoe on the other side of the room.

 

She sinks down into the brunette’s side, a moment where their faces all too close, Madison can’t bare it, backs up just the slightest bit doesn’t run.

 

And then Zoe is turning on her side to face her, their eyes locked together. Madison’s got a hand around Zoe’s hip, the other playing with the tips of her hair, and Zoe chances an attempt to caress the blonde’s neck. Zoe’s hands are cold as they take purchase where her chin meets her neck. It kind of wakes her up and soothes her all at once.

 

Except for the fact that they’re  _ so  _ close. Madison doesn’t want to think, she just wants to lie here forever, caught between what is and what could be, she thinks she could be content for eternity with Zoe in her arms. She tries not to think about how much she doesn’t deserve her, how stupid they are.

 

She’s not sure who’s moved, if was one or both of them, but Zoe’s lips are pressed to hers. And it’s not the first time. Stolen kisses of despair had come before when Kyle was around and they were keeping everyone involved. This was different, nothing sexual, just the press of lips together like a question and answer spoken all at once, no movement. 

 

Not until Zoe is pulling away and looking at Madison like she’s absolutely insane, but also like she can’t live without the tantalizing crime.

 

But Zoe isn’t kissing her again, the movement of her fingers against her neck halted, the innocence forever gone.

 

Instead she’s turning over, away from Madison facing the wall. They don’t speak, they just stay put, lying there in silence, processing the past events, how to move forward.

 

Madison doesn’t sleep that night. Waits to hear the shallow breaths that tell her Zoe is asleep, moves to her own bed in the dead of night when she can’t bare just how close they are in the brunette’s twin bed. 

  
As she tucks herself into her own bed, she can’t be anxious or angry. A new chapter begins tomorrow, where maybe they’ll finally be good at communicating. For now Madison grows comfortable in the way they’ve crossed a line yet no one is running away, she finds her sleep with the word “ _ progress”  _ on her lips.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cant decide how i feel about this chapter, i really being spending every free moment between classes and on break at work just writing this thing! ANYWAY THEY FINALLY KISSED! SO YAY! but theres still more to come. 
> 
> oh also Mans search for meaning by Viktor Frankl is actually a really good book. i read it for my first semester of college almost a year ago andits something i try to integrate into my everyday perspective, you should definitely check it out if youre a book worm like Zoe, (or if u wanna like find ur purpose its honesty only like 250 pages if i remember correctly)
> 
> as always hope u enjoyed this chapter, love your comments lately, theyve really been motivating me to keep writing
> 
> at this point im thinking like 2 more chapters unless i prolong this more????


	5. Chapter 5

“ _The most reliable way to predict the future is to create it.”_

—-

There’s a numbing aura when Zoe wakes up the next morning. Madison is still tucked into her own bed on the other side of the room, a pile of blankets covering her lanky form. The taller witch pulls herself out of bed, too startled by the static of the room to stay under her covers any longer.

 

It’s early and the other girls won’t be up for at least a few hours, still Zoe finds herself needing to rid her mouth of whatever taste it acquired over night, something sharp and unpleasant about the air of the space. 

 

So it’s 6 am and she’s standing in front of the sink, toothbrush in her mouth, bustling away in a speed between determined and groggy, transfixed on the reflection of her sunken eyes, when she feels arms snake around her middle, a face pressed up against her back and shoulder blade, a peak of ochre eyes and yet to be brushed bleach blonde hair over her left shoulder. Madison.

 

And Zoe almost finds herself giggling at the warmth, a short circuit of her stomach moving from the inhale of air and the reminder that Madison still left her bed after they’d kissed, but here she was, the sun out, and she was showing affection.

 

And of course Madison sees it all flash in her eyes, feels the hiccup that dies in her diaphragm. “What?” She asks into the cloth of the brunette’s shirt. 

 

Zoe stares for a minute, gathering all the things that pushed through her. She takes a deep breath, finds Madison’s eyes in the mirror and stays focused there, the blonde’s hands flattening against her stomach. 

 

“I just never thought in a million years you’d be so touchy” Zoe confesses, watches as Madison’s lips twitch, eyes darken, the way she starts at pulling away.

 

Zoe grabs her wrists in a flurry, keeping their previous position, “I didn’t say I didn’t like it”, Zoe whispers somehow ashamed, cutting off any potential for further eye contact. 

 

Madison places her forehead squarely between Zoe’s shoulder blades, closes her eyes, takes a breath from somewhere deep, “I’m only like this with you”

 

Zoe offers an “I know” like it’s exactly the answer Madison is looking for, holds onto the arms around her a little tighter, soothes over the blonde’s fingers with her own. 

 

—-

 

When Zoe finally leaves their bedroom, she’s not sure where she’s headed, letting her feet guide her to somewhere she can let her walls down, take a few deep breaths, figure Madison out.

 

She circles the entire academy at least twice passing by the greenhouse, the library, even the kitchen. She only stops when she hears keyboard smashes on the other side of Cordelia’s office door. The brunette spends a moment deciding whether to knock, something tentative in the way she feels weighed down. But she’s never knocked before, not for Cordelia, so she doesn’t now. 

 

There’s almost regret in her after turning the door knob and pushing it open, a sight she’ll never be able to rid from her memory. Her supreme and mother figure, Cordelia Goode, sat firmly on the keyboard of her laptop, her legs hung over her desk, Misty Day ravaging the skin of her neck, arms thrown in different directions, veins surging, only coming to a frozen halt at the sound of the opening door and an alarmed “fuck, sorry!” on Zoe’s lips. 

 

The young witch can’t do much other than try to close the door and go, but Misty has created a lot of room between herself and the supreme at a moments notice. 

 

“Oh, Zoe. I’m real sorry. We shouldn’t be doing that in here anyway.” The swamp witch inserts quickly, genuine remorse in her wrinkled forehead. And Cordelia is just there, breathing heavy, a chorus of “shit, shit; shit” leaving her mouth. 

 

She looks a little panicked, something Zoe has never seen on her face. “Hey, It’s okay, I can come back later, we can pretend like this never happened” 

 

The supreme swallows and nods, something finally settling in her.

 

Zoe shuts the door, hoping things are okay, wondering where the woman she’d looked to as a second mother had gone when she opened that door, why Cordelia was so shaken.

 

—-

 

“Hey, Mini-Cordy”, Madison says, sitting across from Mallory in the library, “sorry, I forgot you don’t like that” the blonde tries again, a look akin to a child found guilty of getting marker all over the wall.

 

Mallory waves it off, certain that Madison doesn’t mean it in a bad way, “it’s okay, I’ve heard far worse than being compared to a supreme”

 

It’s then that Mallory realizes that Madison is  _ in the library, without Zoe.  _ A sight never before seen. “You okay?” She questions, glancing up from her spell book, trying not to seem too forward.

 

“Am I ever really o-Kay?” And the bite is back in her words, the tone that Mallory is used to.

 

Mallory is sort of exhausted by of all of this, while she’ll never be tired of watching Madison become a better person, someone who always stands by her coven, who truly cares about the other witches; the whole act of not being in love with Zoe is getting stale.

 

So she’s not afraid of the consequences when she pushes out, “is it about Zoe?”

 

And the blonde witch just sort of blinks at her, the rage Mallory expected is free from her face. “How’d you know?” Is her only response.

 

And Mallory wants to tell her everything, the light in Zoe’s eyes when Michael brought Madison back, the stolen glances, the way she grew soft for Zoe and the rest of the coven in two separate lifetimes, the way she was different after Michael shot Zoe, how hard she cried when she realized they couldn’t get her back, how she took Cordelia’s slap like she deserved it, the way she shot at Michael, ready to lose her own life again for the chance of saving the coven, for a chance at seeing Zoe again. She wants to tell her not to waste this added chance at happiness. That Zoe loves her and there isn’t a reason to wait anymore.

 

She settles for “for you the sun rises and sets with her, it’s not hard to see, when you’re not yourself I kind of always assume it has to do with your sun.”

 

Madison wants to run, away from truth, from the people who have her figured out, but she doesn’t. Something restorative in Mallory knowing exactly what she feels.

 

And maybe it’s something in the way Mallory has known her twice, but Madison settles for it being something in their DNA.

 

“Whatever it is, you guys should just talk it out, you’ve both been through too much to stop each other from being happy”

 

And maybe Mallory isn’t saying what she knows, that Madison would do anything for Zoe, that maybe she just needs to tell her she’s so in love with her and get it over with, but that’s what Madison is hearing, loud and clear.

 

Mallory knows she accomplished the desired effect when Madison surges from the table, a determined look in her eye, making her way for the door.

 

She only stops just before she’s out of Mallory’s line of vision, turning on her heel.

 

“Thank you, Mallory.”

 

—-

 

Zoe finds Misty in the greenhouse sometime later. The older blonde tending to lilacs, humming Landslide under her breath, the brunette slowly approaching.

 

“Hey”Zoe starts, searching for words that don’t instigate the memory of her supreme and the swamp witch making out a few hours earlier. 

 

Misty laughs, “ya don’t haf to be so weird, Zo.”

 

“Sorry, I just...Cordelia looked really shaken up, I didn’t know it was that big a deal. I mean I know you two are a couple, logically you do things like  _ that-“ _

 

“I think Delia looked at ya, and realized ya not 17 anymore”

 

Zoe only squints her eyes at this, prompting Misty to elaborate.

 

“Like you’ve grown up so fast before her eyes, an’ she doesn’t haf to hide that stuff from ya, that ya findin’ love and acceptance outside of her”

 

“...I guess that makes some sense”

 

“You know Delia, easily overwhelmed, maybe you should talk to her ya self”

 

—-

 

Zoe’s not sure how to feel as she knocks her fingers on Cordelia’s door, pulling back on the force so maybe the older woman won’t hear her, as if she can’t sense the girl who is the closest thing she has to a daughter from a mile away. 

 

“Come in”, she hears, regretting that she had knocked in the first place. There had never been boundaries between them, not when Madison and Misty weren’t around, not when Cordelia was crying for all the things she’d lost: Madison, Nan,  _ Misty _ . Only to make her Supreme. Not when Zoe was always there to hold her close, to wipe her tears. She’d never knocked, just knew she was welcome, when Cordelia would make her tea and rub her back when she couldn’t sleep. When the thoughts of Madison and Kyle ran through her head too fast to make sense of. They were a team, they always had been. Zoe had thought that their kinship was too strong a bond to ruin. As she pushed open the door, she prayed she was right.

 

“Hello, Zoe”, Cordelia says too firmly, like she’s trying to break down any wall left between them.

 

The younger witch saves herself from greeting the older woman finding “im sorry if I freaked you out earlier, I didn’t mean to intrude”

 

“No, no. It wasn’t your fault and it wasn’t really that big a deal, I was just-“ Cordelia’s voice trails off, her eyes finding purchase on the wall behind Zoe’s head. 

 

A picture of Zoe, from shortly after she’d joined the coven.

 

“Just what?”

 

“Just overwhelmed. I got too comfortable. I know better than to let that happen, when the council has the freedom to enter this office whenever they please. I don’t want any of you feeling like this isn’t your space too.”

 

“But you and Misty deserve room to find everything you missed out on too, I don’t know. I mean I don’t want to walk in on you ever again, but I also don’t want you to censor yourself for my sake.” Zoe tries to find an answer she hadn’t already thought out for once.

 

But Cordelia has tears in her eyes, something close to broken again, but not quite.

 

“I think I let too much of myself out when Misty died, I shouldn’t have made myself so weak in front of you. I shouldn’t have leaned on you so heavily, you were just a kid”

 

A sniffle comes from the supreme, prompting Zoe closer.

 

“And look at me now: a leader in my own right. I wouldn’t take back that time for anything Cordelia.” The younger witch asserts beyond reparation. 

 

“My mother always made certain that no one got too close, to be the supreme is to be alone. Perhaps I let my weaknesses get in the way of my duty by letting you all so close” Cordelia says, trying to find it in herself to not believe her own words.

 

Zoe sort of isn’t prepared, hasn’t seen the older witch this insecure since she was blind and beaten down. And she knows Cordelia has more emotional strength than all of them, but that internal pain and insecurity doesn’t flash away because you wake up the supreme with radiating physical health. 

 

“Fiona was wrong, Delia. There wasn’t any strength in the way she kept people at arm's length. We’re better together, you have to know that”

 

And she does, she just has trouble clearing Fiona’s voice from her head on days like this, when she can sense Zoe’s blooming strength, when she knows Misty is fine without her, when she can feel the glow of Madison’s soul, when Queenie is living for herself, when Mallory doesn’t need her as a guide, when Coco learns her own way to self-esteem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo I haven’t updated in over a month so I figured I’d just post what I had and not fight with my writers block anymore. Sorry for starving you for so long, here’s your meal. Hope it’s satisfying. Let me know if u want more.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning for this chapter: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
> 
> ig this is madison and misty heavy
> 
> enjoy

**_"I was never going to be able to really feel love anyway"_ **

**-Zoe Benson**

**\---**

_ Madison bursts through the bedroom door, something in the way she can’t feel her hands, imagine the color of her own eyes. _

 

_ Everything is Zoe. _

 

_ She finds herself at a loss for control, suddenly on her knees in front of the other witch, she pays no mind to the pain of her bare knee caps hitting the hardwood floor, instead she grabs on tight to the conveniently close hands that Zoe offers her.  _

 

_ She squeezes looking for something to cling to in Zoe’s jumping veins, saying all the things she’s ever wanted to. _

 

_ “I’m sorry for being so fucked up, I’m sorry for not being everything you deserve, but I love you and I’m never known anything else to be as true” _

 

_ And Zoe is sighing from somewhere deep, an encroachment on all the feelings she’s ever held dear.  _

 

_ “You have every right to be fucked up, Madison. You died more than once, no one deserves that pain. And you still deserve love regardless of how fucked you think you are. I love you too, so much more than you can imagine.” _

 

_ And Madison is pushing up from her knees guided by the taller witch’s hands, finding her lips as soon as she is on her feet, molding herself into Zoe until her breathes become labored into something she can’t keep up with.  _

 

_ “Madison” _

 

_ “Madison” _

 

_ “Madison” _

 

_ She hears but the name isn’t coming from Zoe’s mouth. Like a room full of water, the spark of sound traveling through the soggy medium.  _

 

_ “Madison” _

 

_ It’s Misty’s voice. She can sense that much.  _

 

_ Until she’s opening her eyes. _

 

And the swamp witch is coming into view.

 

“You we’re havin’ a nightmare” Misty warns, finally removing her hands from Madison’s arms.

 

“It wasn’t a nightmare”, the younger witch tries to groggily assert as the words come out in a rasp and she wipes at her eyes. She realizes her location then: a sofa in the living room, where she’d sat earlier to hopefully devise a plan about the Zoe situation.

 

Apparently the stress ran deep enough to not only put her to sleep, but enough to create a possible solution to her problems.

 

“You sure were shaking a lot, are ya certain it wasn’t a nightmare? I didn’t mean to pull you out of something good” she replies, revealing the concern she held with the wrinkles in her forehead.

 

“It’s okay, Swampy” Madison sighs.

 

\---

 

Today was a bad day. Ever since her early wake up from Misty, and dream that went so right, Madison can’t help but think so wrongly.

 

She tries to remember the last time they’d kiss: sometime before the seven wonders, when Kyle wasn’t in love with Zoe enough to stop fucking Madison cold turkey, a time when Zoe was fragile enough to convince that sharing was an option. It’s all a shitty reminder to Madison that she  _ isn’t  _ a good person. 

 

Manipulative.

 

Selfish.

 

Arrogant.

 

All the things Zoe doesn’t need to drag her down, now that she’s alive again, a new start without the baggage of a zombie boyfriend, a position on the council, someone actually confident in her abilities. 

 

Still Madison can’t forget how good it felt to have Zoe so close, the intensity of acceptance she’s never felt from anyone else, now more so than ever. 

 

Perhaps Madison is like an old mix tape, Zoe knows all the songs (and won’t break it with her “killer vagina”) but it’s nothing more than a mediocre memory, the songs have cheesy choruses that get stale quick, the cassette player buzzes with age, and sooner or later, she’ll get thrown in a junk drawer with the rest of the things from Zoe’s hideous past. 

 

And yeah, Zoe’s too nice for her own good, probably can’t say out right that Madison reminds her too much of everything she’s lost, so she tries to be her friend, find some semblance of healing.

 

Madison sees now why Zoe has been acting so elusive, and avoidant. 

 

A ploy in leaving her heart desolate and shattered. 

 

Perhaps, Madison idiotically believes, death is the only option. 

 

\---

 

Perhaps, what Madison does best involves death.

 

It’s not long before she finds herself hauled up in some bar a few miles from the academy, convincing Cordelia to let her borrow the car with a well practiced smile and all the positive energy left in her body.

 

And yeah, she feels bad for breaking Cordelia’s trust, and not just because she’s Supreme now. But because of how far their relationship has come, how much she knows they both care about each other, how honest she’s been lately about Zoe and her sexuality. 

 

And it’s like all those things give her more reason to drown her sorrows, because even with that growth, she can’t help, but betray her.

 

The bartender is blonde and that does nothing to make her forget that Zoe chose an undead frat boy over a Hollywood starlet, well a total bitch who happened to be a former actress.

 

Seven shots later of whatever poison she’d chosen and the colors start to bleed together, she’s good at holding her alcohol, but she’s never been good at holding her tongue. 

 

When the bartender refuses to provide her with shot number eight, she pushes him up against the wall with her powers, glass bottles shattering against his back.

 

“Listen here, Kyle, you’ve have taken away from me everything I’ve ever wanted, so could you do me this one favor and let me kill myself”, she demands in a voice, somewhere in between scary and desperate.

 

And maybe that’s not what she wants, to end her own life, but it’s starts to sound like a better and better option by the minute, a loop of brain power fully committed to the mantra.

 

_ I want to die _

 

_ I want to die _

 

_ I want to die _

 

She thinks of Zoe and her smile, her pure aura, the way she makes everything feel alright.

 

Cordelia and the way she mothers her, until she stops hating herself for even just a moment.

 

Misty, the way she tries to make Madison feel valid, that she understands what it’s like to be in hell for an extended period of time.

 

Queenie and the way she makes Madison laugh like no other. 

 

Coco and her ability to make Madison never give up.

 

Mallory and her quiet insistence for what is right.

 

The young witches that need her, just as much as she needs them.

 

\---

 

Madison drives home, her mind a cycle of all the “DON'T drink and drive” advertisements she’s seen in her lifetime mixed with flashes of the brown of Zoe’s eyes.

 

It’s not one of her best moments to say the least, probably as much stupidity as not bringing Zoe back, probably as much pride in trying to bury Misty alive.

 

But there’s too much blur to really think through that getting home can wait, or even that transmutation is a viable option.

 

There’s fleeting moments of close calls and running over curbs. Long seconds filled with too close headlights and brushing passed red lights. Enough to make Madison unsteady, enough to change the course of her mind.

 

Remind her what hell is like, that Zoe at arm’s length is better than no Zoe at all.

 

_ I don’t want to die _

 

_ I don’t want to die _

 

_ I don’t want to die. _

 

\---

 

She gets home in one piece, mostly. A loud thud as she basically falls out of the driver’s side door hitting the concrete. So much for no one hearing her get home. No permanent injuries except for a dent in the bumper where she’s clipped a stop sign, and the way that she so desperately wants to never be so close to death again.

 

That and the fact that she needs to find Zoe are the only two things for sure.

 

\---

 

Madison finds her in their room, sitting idly by the window facing the front yard, the driveway Madison had just pulled in.

 

“Are you stupid?” Zoe says like her mother would, not yet turning to face the blonde.

 

“What?” Madison answers, too focused on the tenseness in Zoe’s shoulders to push forth with her prior intentions.

 

“Driving drunk, in the coven’s car, thinking for a second that you could waltz in here like that was okay, betraying Cordelia’s trust” the taller girl rattled off, suddenly up in Madison’s face.

 

And Madison could try to argue that it wasn’t true, something she was so used to in her past life. But Zoe really hopes Madison knows better than to bite back when they both know the truth.

 

But old habits die hard and Madison’s voice climbs high. “I’m not drunk, I didn't lie to Cordy, she said I could take the car, stop acting like you care”

 

For a moment they stop, silence filling the room, both of them wondering where all of this come from. 

 

Then there’s a flame behind Zoe’s eyes, a pull for something she’s never seen, and tears follow suit as yelling starts, “First of all, you  _ reek  _ of alcohol. Second, you pulled into the driveway like a maniac, thirdly, Cordelia said you told her I was coming with you, and finally,” she stops here, swallowing hard, finding the strength to scream something so vulnerable, “I have always cared about you, even when you were using me for your personal gain, even when you were fucking my boyfriend, even when you refused to save me, even when you were in hell exactly where you belong”

 

Madison doesn’t know what to do, just waits and stares and hopes this is another stupid dream.

 

“I love you, Zo”

 

“You’re drunk”, Zoe bites back.

 

Madison's lack of reaction seems like it’s not what Zoe wanted as the taller girl moves toward her swiftly, pushing into her violently, her fists punching against Madison’s chest.

 

The blonde can’t even move to defend herself. 

 

She knows she deserves it.

 

The pain only lasts a few seconds, as the two witches hear footsteps followed by the bedroom door swinging open. 

 

“What the fuck is going on?” It’s Cordelia. And Misty not far behind her. 

 

Cordelia creates as much room between Zoe and Madison then, forcing them both into opposite walls without causing any physical damage.

 

“Take your pick”, Misty says, gesturing between the younger witches.

 

“Zoe”, Cordelia answers, letting go of the force on the young witches, trusting that Zoe’s given up on her assault at this point.

 

Misty smiles almost maliciously at Madison, “Good,” she remarks, “I wanted Hollywood anyway”

 

\---

 

They’re in different rooms, Misty and Madison sealed into the greenhouse. The younger witch sat on the floor, in a position of surrender, curled into the fetal position seemingly protecting her vital organs.

 

Misty is stood a few feet away looking like a disappointed mother, like her teenage daughter just told her she got an std. 

 

“What were ya thinking Madi? You can’t go running around all destructive” 

 

“I wasn’t thinking, that’s the problem, I try to make it seem like I’ve heeled and everything is all better but it’s not, I’m still a terrible person and you all have every right to hate me”, Madison pushes back easily, never making eye contact with the swamp witch.

 

“Madison, look at me.” Misty demands, sitting down in front of the younger witch, getting eye level with each other, “you know, that I know better than anyone that all of that pain don’t just go away, but you gotta know deep in that thick skull a’ yours that you’re not terrible”

 

“If I’m not terrible why’d I do this? Why’d I risk my life again, why’d I lie, why’d I put the coven name on the line?” Madison really tries to see the light, but it’s hard when she’s spent her entire life clouded by darkness.

 

“You’re still young darlin’ you still got some learnin’ to do, you’ve been through so much already, just cuz there was this one hiccup in your recovery doesn’t mean we gotta start from square one, we all love you, Madi, even Zoe, sometimes we care so much it seems like we’re not on the same side, you just gotta remember we all want the same things, alright?” Misty tries coaxing at least something vaguely optimistic from Madison’s mouth.

 

“Okay. I love you guys, too” something of a smile breaking through her lips.

 

Misty’s pushing herself off the floor at that, dusting off her knees, pulling Madison to stand up with her, before forcing the younger witch into her tight embrace.

 

“Now,” Misty says, dragging herself away, her hands still perched on Madison’s shoulders, eye contact surely made, “you can’t throw a destructive tantrum every time you think for an inkling of a second that Zoe won’t love you back”

 

“Mist-“ Madison tries to stop her, not wanting to fall back into the dark mindset Misty had just helped free her from.

 

“No, ya gotta go tell her how you feel. Sober. Knowin’ that you’re a goddamn catch, and that she’d be lucky to have ya, alright?”

 

Madison only nods, too overwhelmed to say thank you. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmk how im doing/ what you liked/ didnt like
> 
> hopefully well have less angst soon


	7. Chapter 7

“Never put your faith in a Prince. When you require a miracle, trust in a witch.”

-Catherine M. Valente “In The Night Garden”

——

Madison is done. Done waiting. Done being sad for herself. Done wasting time on things that aren’t loving Zoe.

 

So she tells her a mangle of words that somehow communicate exactly how sorry she is for everything, exactly how much she loves her. And Zoe can’t help but be completely smitten in finality. Can’t help but find solace in the way Madison is baring her heart unapologetically for all the things they could be.

 

And it’s weird at first. How comfortable Zoe is in Madison’s arms, how Madison reaches up to kiss her in moments when no one is looking and then slowly in front of Misty and Cordelia, and the few Madison feels close enough to trust. Zoe says it’s not appropriate in front of the little kids. Something about an education in magic first and an education in love and puberty second.

 

And Cordelia smiles at Madison like she holds all the power of the universe in her growth and love. Tells her how proud of her she is every chance she gets. Cries for the people they used to be and the grief they no longer carry. Cries to see her babies growing up and finding purchase on their own high perches. 

 

And Misty tries her best not to raise her voice when the two love birds get into silly fights, but she cares too much to let them throw away a bond so powerful. Finds herself more in love with Cordelia as she watches Madison and Zoe interact. 

 

And Coco can be a little overbearing. Staking too much time into finding the perfect dress for Zoe to wear on their first official date. Sneaking pictures of the two snuggled together in Madison’s bed. Madison pretends to be mad, but texts herself the images before deleting them from Coco’s phone, only to make one her lock screen.

 

And Queenie is completely smitten in it all. Overjoyed to see two girls she’s grown to adore absolutely in love with each other. Totally overwhelmed by the blossoming of sapphic love in the coven, and sure, she makes snide comments about the “lure of lesbianism” and how “these witches surely didn’t need broomsticks” but the others knew how happy she was to see her sisters happy.

 

And Mallory is just content to see an ending to the madness. The mutual lining over two lifetimes that’s finally found an end in a seed that will soon sprout into a beautiful flower. 

 

Madison will take that flower and protect with everything she holds. And Zoe will find the care in Madison’s power, reminding her not to hold the flower so hard that she destroys it. They foster growth together. As they always have. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ITS OVER! Sorry this is so short but I thought it was better to end it like this than not end it at all. I’m not mad at it and I hope you aren’t either. THank you for sticking with the story through my ups and downs of connecting to it and not. Thank you for leaving kudos and commenting. They were often high points in my day and kept me motivated to keep pushing in general. At the same time I’m also glad it’s over and I can stop stressing about it. Until next time my friends...

**Author's Note:**

> probably going to write another chapter or two (cuz zadison deserves a happy/concrete ending), so let me know if that's something you'd read
> 
> validation= faster update
> 
> comments/kudos are greatly appreciated
> 
> tumblr: eyesfadefromgreentogray


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